I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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