so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize