just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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