Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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