My Higher Power is John Stamos
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize