He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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