I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
