I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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