I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
