absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
