planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
