My friends, they love my intelligence
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
