Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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