Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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