I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
