It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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