Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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