He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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