we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
