the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
