It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
In other news, I just burned my penis
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
