my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
