I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Randomize
