i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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