Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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