I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
