You can't special order awesome
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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