If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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