Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
