My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
