Tell her she can't have a vagina
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
