I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
