The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
