Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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