I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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