Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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