Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
