I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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