I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
