when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
