apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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