its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
