you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
