Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
