we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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