1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize