I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
