i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
