You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
