I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
