I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
