so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
