My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
