I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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