My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
