There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
