I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
