how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
