Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Duck Duck Cougar?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
