ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
