I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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