Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
