Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
