could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
