so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
