Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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