Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
