No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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