Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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