My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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