I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
