Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
