I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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