What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
