When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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