from now on my penis is your penis
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
